Sunday, 11 September 2016
I do not want you to feel as if you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, just because mom does feel this way. I want to protect you, with my whole being, not make you feel the burdens of my current life situation. Some days, I have been crying for hours without being able to re-channel my energies onto the present moment.
I spent so much time thinking about what makes a good mother. In June, you overwhelmed me with your indestructible will and passion for life. Yet for me, the first shock made it feel as if the wrong time, a time in which I am unable to provide you with a safe and stable home, financial abundance or the presence of a father during pregnancy. Your dad is living in Rwanda and not willing or able to accompany me through my pregnancy. This is why I have spent the past weeks mourning over my dreams of a romanticized, happy young family. Yes, I had wished for more. I had wished your dad would carry me on his arms, kissing you through my belly and reading you poems or singing you songs at bedtime. Or at least not to give up as he does, before even trying to do what needs to be done as a father. I wish I didn’t feel rage but compassion, because he is hurting himself, not knowing what he’s missing out on. I wish I didn’t have these expectations that are source and resource of my hurt.
In these days of sorrow, I often think back to the Aikido class we had some weeks ago. What if I could build this inner structure, this strength and rootedness through which nothing could literally bring me to fall? I kept on visualizing this tree within me, rooting deeply in the ground and knowing how to channel the energy when it is directed towards me or even aiming at bringing me down. How can I hold it all together, not for the sake of saving a relationship or a marriage, but for myself?
Not to lie down on the cold, wet floor, crying the life out of myself, while at the same time being shocked about how I allowed my attachment to this suffering lower down my self-esteem to almost non-existence?
Yes, I have been there, more than once. I have made myself vulnerable by loving too much, given the power over my inner structure away, just to bow down and bend for the sake of being loved in return.
It is time I have to take it back and the time is now.
And if I went a step further, holding my inner structure not only for myself, but also for you my baby?
And another step further, as a peacemaker?
Is holding the space not something that requires this inner structure, the rootedness, in combination with a variety of other qualities, yet the structure being the base for our work as peacemakers, mothers and peacemaking mothers?
I have looked for embodied practices of this immer structure, and besides Aikido, which we have explored in a previous entry, I have created a little Root Chakra Flow for anyone who wants to invest 20 minutes for a grounding, empowering sequence. It is much in line with my inner quest at the moment, about finding my inner structure and grounding. The Root Chakra (Muladhara Chakra) is related to physical identity, instinct, security, and is associated with the affirmation “I am”. In the Yoga practice, the stimulation of Muladhara Chakra is achieved through deep grounding in each pose, consciously connecting to your feet. Feeling a sense of self-awareness, stability, and most of all, feeling present and rooted into the safety of the earth – a quality that will accompany and serve us through our journeys as peacemaking mothers.
Eventually, things are falling together, and I understand that you chose me, maybe to challenge me, maybe to help me in actualizing my potential, but for sure to be born into this vulnerable life through me.
Loving you deeply,